House of Cards

wandasncredible

….on season 4…ep 3…Chapter 42….and I am loving it…

XOXO

P.S.Lea Ann Anderson Savage”The Blender Lady”…this season is juicy like Vitamixed blended juice!

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To be Honest

Creation,

Sometimes in the midnight hour like this, I feel the holy spirit just take over me and I pray and praise like I have never done before. Sometimes everyone is either up or sleep and I am so enthused by the goings on or not goings on that I get to laugh or be scared half to death by my favorite movie……and then there is this…..this happens too….the confusion as to why I am where I am now in my life, whether its good or bad……the upsetting nature of worrying whether people really like me or are dogging my name behind my back and the anguish of not knowing things….I mean just not knowing what is gonna happen next.

I hate not knowing if I am to be honest…I cannot stand that things that I thought were solid and victorious ….were trash and dead….and things that I thought were never gonna come into fruition…poof…are alive and well. So I try daily to map it out, develop a plan, lean on God, be consistent, poised, adult, and the whole conceal don’t feel thing….Oh how I understand Elsa.

For the most part when all the lights go out in my thoughts God kicks in like a very expensive back up generator and all negative thoughts go crawling back to where they came from….but sometimes I feel like this…alone…isolated..overwhelmed..lost…abandoned…lied to…cheated..feeling the agoraphobic nature of never ever wanting to venture anywhere because of fear and trying to still hold on to whatever broken pieces of my heart and mind are left…that can still be useful…or functional…

I say to myself…as I saw on someones page…why do people make you hate them? why do they not treat you fondly when you do the same….why am I left without parents…or siblings??? why must I be different….have all these ideas and visions, deal with bipolar issues and kids and life paying for it all alone with only Gods heart to surround me.

I am not jealous…nor do I want to be others in fact….I am extremely fond of me…very confident in my you-ness…but still the unanswered questions and inability to find decent answers whey heavy on the soul…

My goals as a child were having the white picket fence, the husband, the kids, the job, the hobbies and the incredible sex and happiness….the kids would grow old and go to college…I and my husband would work and enjoy each other until we were old and gray…and in all of it we would serve the Lord and be gifted…merry…blessed…comforted with stability and no regrets….Our friends and family would be plentiful…and our holidays grand…and the kids would have children and grandchildren ….I would look over my life and be content …fulfilled…and glad I promised my heart to that one man…and more importantly lived by the book and God….

What happened to that? I am still that person….I am still that girl…I made mistakes ….I trusted those I should not have…I lost those dearest to me…I fell from Gods grace young and its been a uphill climb ever….I think of all I have been through…I have nightmares…I have tremors…I try to reach out to others and it feels like I am just shunned…I never fit in and I genuinely care and love but I get the worst of everything anyway…no matter how good my heart or intentions are..they flush down the toilets of peoples minds and I am left empty as the bowl.

Today is one of those nights when I remember every decision I have ever made and everything from 3 years old until now….I feel the devil laughing at me and knowing I cannot get that time back to make things right just hurts. I hate the self righteous looks of my days of not feeling like this…and of those who have not sinned like me…I feel the pressure to just unveil everything in my life so that people would understand that its not me..but I just cannot be that person…so dramatic…so exposing …so evil…so I take these days to write about how I feel…vaguely…I shield and protect the innocent and those also who deserve whats coming to them…and I smile anyway knowing I am dying inside….

as I am used and ignored and forced to do all I can to keep it humanely together…. I see God…I know he is here…I just don’t want to have this conversation with him or anyone else again…I just want my fence…it doesn’t even have to be white anymore….I just don’t want to be different anymore…I just want all I still ever wanted and there are so many back roads and stories ….no one cares that the whole street is in ruins…even on just these days that I see the ruins…my kids deserved the fence ( and all the holidays and family picnics they and I are shunned from going to)…they and I still do…and I don’t want no whole bunch of stupid houses…I just want all that has been invested in me and that I invested in people, places and things to be real…to be true…to be happy..and loving and caring and loyal as I am…and have been despite my mistakes………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….so tomorrow…I will go back to abnormal …back to the matrix…back to hope and not what I see…I wish it was all one place…but its not…I got hurt…for no reason…I got lost along the way in my life and God gave me gifts I cannot just conform to normal life like everyone else…I’ll smile…pray…praise….Its not phony …its real…my feelings are real …what I see and what has happened to me is undeserved no matter what anyone thinks ….they just don’t know…and as the good person I am …I will stay good in this world …because the real world is messed up.

 

wandasncredible appreciates you!

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I believe in Me! My business! My gifts! I just want for everyone to feel the same about me as I do about myself and them….gn.