(Thanks for singing me this song mommy! God bless you and Whitney too!)
I found this post I made and I thought I would be strong enough not to just break down like a sobbing baby but I cannot help it…today I am a mess…..its like some stabbing you over and over in the heart and there is nothing you can do about it. I have lost so much from 2008 until even this year….my heart is so hurt and tired and screaming and . I have bleeding….so many questions and not enough answers but that doesn’t matter. My mother always taught me that if you did your best it would always be good enough but that has simply proven to just not be true….I did my best by her …..I did my best by all people-friends-family-relationships,places and things and no matter what shes gone…I am hurt…and my heart is left bleeding on the floor.
My mother had a massive stroke on Monday. I had to dress her tears streaming down my face….I took her to the hospital and she squeezed my hand knowing it was me…but then had to be put on a ventilator..her organs are now shutting down and today as per her wishes I must remove her from the ventilator. She is in no pain nor do I want her to suffer in any way. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and as an only child it is the most tragic moment I could ever imagine…however God is filling me with peace about it….she has accepted salvation and I got to tell her I loved her and she got to reciprocate that before this so all is well with my soul…Thank you all for all your prayers…my mom still defeated her challenge…the cancer did not kill her she didn’t allow it to, so for that I am proud of her, but deeply saddened by the sneak attack that has caused her body to grow weary….SHE WON! No matter what because she is going to a better place…all and all it what it is at the end of the day…she is forever my heroine and her strength will live on in me forever!
But I digress….believe it or not I posted this not for me but let anyone and everyone know….it doesn’t matter whether it was this year or 50 years ago….when you lose someone you love …..it truly feels just like it was yesterday so do not beat yourself up for those who think you should be “OVER IT” by now or who tell you it gets easier. God is with you and he will give you all the time you need to heal.
I just keep saying why??? and I go over and over in my mind what I could have done to deserve the many heartbreaking moments in my life. I try to be mean and angry and treat others how they treat me….I remember even cursing God when she passed and hating myself for living. But as I write this now, I am reminded that every person, place and thing has a time and a season….For the life of me I just cannot be evil…or resentful …nor can I stay away from God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ….so he gives me these moments to scream and roll and cry and just be a sick bipolar mess….Then he brushes me off…tells me my mom is fine…he tells me vengeance is his for those who hurt me….and then he blesses me so much until I cannot help but to smile!
The most important things that I have learned is to not let grief destroy you….do not let love be taken from you and to not allow anyone to separate you from God. I am still gonna be my laughing at everything…loving and forgiving…happy go lucky self….and my purpose will be fulfilled!
wandasncredible appreciates you!